It was a long night.

Last night I dreamed in pieces.
Of old mates, of soulmates, and lost mates.
Of good love, of bad love, of lost love.
Of old places, of good places, of bad places.
Of the bad I've done, the good I've done, the worst I've done.
Of long held regrets, of fresh regrets, of painful regrets.
It was a long night.

Dead Man Walking

Struggled to move on

Chains are too strong

The past is the prison

To a future that is gone

A soul that is home

To a heart that beats alone

A dead man walking

Demons Past

This night
Forever will this night last
Sleep stolen by demons past
Take me
Please take me fast
Save my soul from demons past

Left Alone

When left alone

With just my thoughts

My mind goes where it ought naught

It starts today

With challenges at hand

It creates a noise I cannot stand

So I travel back

To years long gone

When hopes were high, and future shone

A comfort, no

So further back I go

That darkness causes tears to flow

So I shake it off

Back to the fight

Begin my day, that's as dark as night.

I Wish You Love

I wish you happy

When I've moved on 

I wish I had found it before I was gone.

I wish you love

When I am gone

I wish I had the strength to carry on.

Please remember 

When I am gone

It was your love I relied on.

Please pray my love

I will pray my love

Eternal love. Eternal love.

I wish you love…

My pain is my healing

They say to make
the pain go away
I need to forgive.
I need to heal.

But it's my pain.
I earned it.
Worked hard for it.
My pain is my healing.

Memories Learned

Kindergarten at Rolph Road Public School

I had a friend on the corner

Another down the street

Several that just appeared

We played road hockey

Climbed tress and jumped in leaves

Crushed Pennies on train tracks

and played chicken on our bikes.

I grew up in Leaside

First as Duane, then as Bob

That's where life began

I was six. The before was wished away

The before, I'm told, was Cornwall

Then Logan Ave and The Riverdale Zoo

And a sister and a brother or two or three

And a lot of Toronto Children's Aid Society 

In a house as an only child

In another as one of many

In one where I did the laundry

In another where I was strapped, a lot

In and out

Sometimes fed, often not, never well

Sometimes hugged sometimes slapped.

And then I turned six

Then it was Leaside

Then it was real memories

Not just memories learned

from the past I had wished away 

There was public skating

and popcorn and Hockey games

Hot chocolate and The Westbury Hotel

And Santa Claus Parades

There was the Chip King

And adults playing cards

Hockey Night in Canada

and the The Flintstones at Lunch

There were also house fires

Doctor visits

Stolen cars

And skipping school

And there was a new mother that cared

And a new father who dared

He wouldn't back down

and he never gave in or up

There was a blue convertible 

Juicy Fruit gum and True Cigarettes 

There was an office on Bayview

near a diner with Lemon Pie

There was a TV Commercial

and rubber cement

There was Canada Wire and Cable

and skate sharpening and Mr. Mahovlich

There were wirehaired dogs

and a kind, elderly not-aunt

The Christmas Wish Book

And Santa Claus was real after all 

I began as a rescue dog

too scared, too quiet, too thin

But love found me and cared for me

And I received more than I deserved

And now I have the memories 

Mostly good

Some bad

And the worst, those are the memories learned

Embracing the Pain

When you've lost everything.

Everything but the alone.

Everything but the heartache.

And you're angry and tired all the time.

And if you stay there long enough.

In that loveless loneliness.

In that pain.

Then that is who you become.

People want to help.

People think you want help.

They think you want to heal.

They want to rid you of your pain.

They want you to know love again.

Or maybe no one even notices.

Maybe you're that good at hiding.

After all, you just keep smiling.

I'm fine. Just tired.

Except you're not fine.

But you can't open up.

You can't show your true self.

Then they'll want to help.

To fix it. To fix you.

And that scares you.

You have earned your new self.

Earned your loneliness, your pain.

And you couldn't bear to lose yourself.

Not again. Not a third time.

So you cling to it. Hard.

You embrace your pain.

After all, without your pain,

Who are you?

And how would you know you're alive?

Love. It doesn’t matter.

In many ways, I checked out of life in 2010.

Although some, including me, think I was pushed out.

Not that it matters.

It doesn't.

And it probably never did.

But now, 12+ years later,

it matters even less. 

If that's possible.

The harder truth is, I don't matter.

What I like.

What I want.

What I think.

What I have to say.

None of it matters.

Not to me, not anymore.

Another truth is that I chose where I am.

People have said I should get over it, move on.

Forgive and forget.

Maybe.

Maybe one day.

But probably not. 

I bought and paid for this hurt.

So I'm not giving it up.

It's mine. I own it.

What did matter is the life I had.

It was ended for me.

Intentionally.

And who cares about that?

Nobody. Everyone has their own life.

Their own problems, betrayals.

I not the first or last to be stabbed in the back.

And so now I face another truth. 

This end I own didn't really start in 2010.

It started when I was born.

I was dealt a bad hand from the start.

Some are. Many are. So what.

It doesn't matter.

I did get several breaks along the way.

I was adopted.

I grew up in a good home.

With good parents, good brothers.

Met my wife.

We planned our life.

Took our vows.

Blessed with 4 beautiful daughters.

Beautiful home.

The future looked bright.

All blessings that many never enjoy.

But then, after 30 years, it all changed.

That wife decided that not even wedding vows mattered.

"for better or worse"

"until death do us part"

Doesn't matter. 

She felt it was easier to just move on.

And that's what she did.

Thirty years didn't matter.

A covenant with God? Doesn't matter.

What God has joined? Doesn't matter.

None of that matters.

The Bible says "Love never fails"

If that's true, then there was never love.

She moved on but I didn't. Still haven't.

I'm stuck there. That's where I died.

Wife stopped caring. God stopped caring.

I stopped caring.

I stopped mattering.

Stopped living.

This wasn't the first time a woman

abandoned me,

betrayed me,

deceived me.

But it would be the last.

So I checked out.

Took myself out of the game. Out of living.

And it doesn't matter. 

I started out broken, and I never healed.

And now, it doesn't matter.

Love is patient?

Love is kind?

Love never fails? 

Maybe. Maybe for some.

But I wouldn't know…

Just His Tears in Her Place

A daughter engaged.

Wedding plans begin.

Her mother is centre

from beginning to end.

The father knows nothing 

Unless he asks.

Nothing is shared.

Nothing is tasked.

The mother is inside.

The father is out.

He doesn't complain. 

He's not what this day is about.

He shares in so little.

He only waits for the day.

The Summer, the wedding 

His cherished part in the play.

Father and daughter walk down the aisle

It's his honour, a daughter's gift of true grace.

Then they'll dance their one dance

And she's gone, just his tears in her place.

Treat Love With Care

When I was young, young love I found.

It reached my soul, it was my ground.

Hard years passed, that love has died.

Now life's a struggle, loneliness my bride.

I look in the mirror, dead eyes look back

Betraying the good life, before my heart cracked.

The smile I wear, it hides my tears

But it's a lie to myself, denying the wasted years.

I've tried to be honest, to not live a lie

But love has passed me by, and I struggle with the why.

If only I'd listened, to the many who tried

But I always knew better, and so now I simply wait to die.

Hiding in the shadows of my former life

it's all gone now, my heart crushed by a wife.

Hoping one day, I will find my peace,

but how can one person, kill all belief?

Regardless of all, I still hope beyond reason

that I will know love, in this my final season.

If God should grant me, this simple prayer

I promise that this time, I'll treat it with care.